Carlos

We're so excited!!!

Carlos has been in our plans for almost as long as Frank was. However, we did NOT plan to have him until the sad day, many many years from now, when our home would expectedly go from three dogs down to two. 

I will admit, I long and hard fought bringing a fourth dog into the family (much the way I fought for years against getting a third). But after the kitty came and surprised us all - since he's made his way into even Yuki's heart and dog beds, fitting in so perfectly, making all of the love and goodness that is what we call our "Zoo" swell to yet greater depths, it has been hard not to notice the absence of Carlos, the chihuahua that Greg has wanted since the day he watched Beverly Hills Chihuahua for the first time. 

Although, I'm a firm believer in directing my focus and energy on the loves I have if and when I get that puppy feeling some women get about babies, I won't say that we haven't looked for him now and then. This isn't "my" dog so much as it is Greg's, and there has been an empty little Carlos shaped hole in his heart for a long time. As firm as my opinion stood, it's not easy to watch the man I love long (and sometimes beg and plead) for his dream dog. 

Any light seeking we've ever done has ended in closed doors and not right timing, surrounded in whispers from God asking us to hold off on our addition. There have been a couple of anxious times when we've really had to trust Him beyond our own feelings and let go. 

We were ALL surprised that this wasn't the case this time. I'd been feeling more like my guys about how ready our home and hearts are, and then one thing led to the next and before I knew it doors were flying open and we were wide eyed staring at each other with smiles, checking every footing before we stepped through. Our final prayer to God before we were certain was that He would make a way where there wasn't one - and if the way wasn't made and we lost this puppy, then he truly wasn't ours… and then we waited. 

When we got the message from our contractor saying that he would not be able to begin his work on our house as scheduled this week, and we needed to push things off a few days, we knew in our hearts this was it.  

And when I double checked with God, just to be sure I wasn't crazy, and I felt Him bless me and shine, I stopped caring about the one thing that has really held me back about this Carlos thing… 
what will everyone think of us!?

God hasn't given us children, but one thing is for sure, what goes on in our home with our pets comes from Him. Having the kind of order, submission, temperaments, relationships, bonds, obedience, sweetness, behavior, health, and love that we have among three dogs, our cat, and a mouse on the kitchen counter, is a pretty incredible miracle. 

We have been very blessed.  
And we are grateful that we will be so blessed again, with another sweet little boy, tomorrow!!! 

Someday (a repost from July 10, 2010)

Someday you won't ask me to come watch you zoom your green plastic rummage sale boat through the bubbles in your bath.

Your height, chest, waist, ankles, and wrists will be done growing under my close observation.

Someday you will not want to cuddle up for prayers and stories.

You will not insist on laying directly on top of me when you come into my room for love before sunrise.

Someday you will not automatically reach for my hand in the parking lot.

I will not crouch quietly in the stairwell to make sure the big kids aren't talking about anything I do not want to have to explain to you later. 

Someday you won't be my every-moment-of-every-waking-hour sidekick. 

We won't write in the same gratefulness journal.

I won't be allowed to scrub the dirt from under your fingernails and toenails. 

Someday you won't run in the room during a commercial break to tell me all about the latest infomercial fad in great detail 
with all your adorable passion and zest.

Someday I won't get to explain things to you. 

Someday I won't need to tie or brush or bandage or buckle. 

I will watch you set off on your own; 
for a drive, 
to hang out with friends, 
on a date,
for a sport, 
for work... 
for college, 
your apartment, 
for your wife, 
your home, 
with your babies in tow...

Someday we will be apart and I will be learning how to live a life where you and I just visit. 

And as much as I fear that is going to turn to mush the best things I've ever known in and of me, I'm much MUCH more afraid of missing one single beat of today than to consider pulling back before my time. 

So, 

today I will come when you call. 

I will listen when you talk.

I will follow the butterfly with you all afternoon.

Today I will play board games.

I will race hot wheels.

I will walk, skip, and jog behind you on your bike.

I will notice every new centimeter of your size, every sweet curl in your hair,
every single beautiful expression you offer.

Today I will share everything I have. 

I will guide, counsel, teach and protect. 

Today we will be together. All day.  

We will explore and find, build and climb, hike and scale, swing and jump, roll and giggle. 

We will wait and write, sing and dance, hold and squeeze.

Today I will make sure that I never ever forget this time. 

And my solace will remain in the Truth: that when the photos are washed away, 
when the journals and blogs are gone, when the baby quilt and safe-kept first shoes are ashes 
we will be together forever. 

One day you, your Daddy and I will be united together with the One who created us. 

And there my heart won't slide over tears, and I'll never have to get over letting you go, piece by piece.

And that is the day this time can't slip away.

      

Update

The weather has changed and winter is here. There's a fresh dusting of snow out every window, and we're about to say goodbye to the last of the Autumn decorations to make room for the Christmas ones. I'm grateful that I was able to make time to get the outdoors prepped for winter early this year. While it was still warm, all the leaves were blown into the woods, the garden was pruned, the patio furniture and camping/fire pit stuff was put in storage, the Christmas lights were strung, and the deck was tarped for our new outdoor cat, Cinderpelt's, house. 

Cinderpelt showed up at our house a few weeks ago. Ezekiel and Logan were playing in the woods when she confronted them. I gave them a can of tuna for her, and they put her in the garage for the night, determined that we should find out where she was from. 

The next day, I took her to the vet to have her scanned for a microchip. They said she did not have one, but that she bear the markings indicative of a ferrel cat from the catch and release program. They told us that if she was at our house, she was probably wandering for a reason. They said she is an outdoor cat, but if wanted her we could put food out and see if she took to our land. 

Of course, that's what we did. It took her a couple of weeks to be more consistent. At first, we would have to call for her, and she would be there within minutes. Now she is almost always in sight somewhere in the yard, on the back deck, or in the screen room, hanging out. She's become very comfortable with the dogs, and she is VERY very sweet and loving towards us. 

We had new sliding glass doors put into the living room just in the nick of time for winter as well. They had to be special ordered (because none of the sliding glass doors in the house are standard) so we waited longer than we'd hoped, but they were still able to be installed just before the first cold snap of the season. We also had the house jacked up and the supporting beam replaced running horizontally against the west wall, the front door rehung, and installed all new hardware. It's amazing how much cozier warm the house has been since. 

We've been enjoying weekends filled with "family" at our house. Tony, Xzavier, and Logan have been coming and staying over frequently. It's been so much fun. We all get along so well, have so much in common, and are good for each other. We have joking and playing football, huge delicious meals, cookies, cakes and donuts, going for ice cream, watching movies, playing video games and board games, having long deep conversations, mentoring and guiding, acceptance and lots of love. It feels like a dream with all the sounds and hearts of the people we love the most, gathered together in one place. Our place. 

School is going well for Ezekiel. He enjoys his days, and has even asked me about his friends going to Middle School "without him" next year. He's told us that he really likes ALL of his school day now, and it doesn't feel like 15 minutes is an hour anymore. He is learning so much, and having such great experience, both good and bad, to grow from one way or another. It is truly a blessing for all of us. 

He has been having some slight struggles due to nightly homework. It would be our preference that he would not have to try to use his fried brain to complete more work at home, but that they would rather cover that during his 7.5 hour day of school so he could enjoy his family time, unwind, shut his brain off, be an active part of our household (including having time for chores), and PLAY like a nine year old should for a couple hours a day. But we knew going into this year, that things would be this way for now. And so it is what it is (sorry Mom). :) 

My work has been going really well. God has been stretching and growing and showing me so much through each experience. I love right where He has me, and the love and encouragement from the special people he has put in my life has seemed to come just in the perfect form, just as I've needed it. 

Greg has been working on renovating his office/techy lair downstairs the past few weeks. He's upgraded some of his gear, painted the walls, added some lighting and storage, replaced the drapes, stained his desks in a darker color, and rearranged their set up to make better use of the the space. It's gorgeous, and he and Ezekiel can't get enough of it down there. :)

I have been reading the Twilight series when I get a chance, and building puzzles. Ezekiel has been reading the Warrior Cats series, and LOVING it. 

The dogs are doing great. Ralph is sweeter than ever. And that about sums things up for an update. 
Writing hasn't been much my thing lately. 
I'm sure I'll get back to it when I need. 

Happy Holidays! 

hollow-ween @ the public school

I realize that some of this message can be considered a sinful process, and as I stand on my soap box in my freedom-of-speech/home-of-the-Brave, and stomp my teeny little foot in seek of relief and vindication under the partial accuracy that I'm only standing up for the Truth, I'm no better than anyone who I might inadvertently offend. I don't claim to be so grown that I'm eloquent and well spoken in the Word of God and His perfect love. I am a work in progress, and I await the day when I can say what is true and good without the need to point out how wrong and ugly lies and deception are. 

Having said that, here's how halloween at the public school went down:

School has been great so far, with the awkward and unfortunate exception of this past week. Thankfully, the "Harvest/Fall Celebration", which we now recognize as a public school cover up for the all-American holiday of halloween, is over. 

With Ezekiel's first expressions of true concern and disdain for the Public School system, and specifically his very own otherwise wonderful school itself, we stand on the other side of this week relieved that the worst is over for the year. 

We made it through, though not without some unexpected alienation, discrimination, pigeonholing, and pressure. Not without a good dousing of Old Mother Witch, Haunted House, Ghosts in the Graveyard, chanting in unison "Happy Halloween" as a classroom, a Fall Celebration full of only halloween crafts and prizes, and the like…

I was most surprised when the one person in the school who I respect the most and felt most respected by patronizingly encouraged that we use this opportunity to teach Ezekiel that "it's all just fun" and he should learn to "go with the flow". 

But just as I said to my friend, I can think of some other things that might feel "fun" to our kids one day. Things I would never teach them to "go with the flow" based on that determination - like racing cars down main street, spray painting art on the side of a building, getting high, picking on other kids, and so much more. 

So yes, fellow Parents, Christians, and leaders of entire schools full of beautiful, young, and impressionable people, as we stand here in the honored position of mentors and leaders, let's NOT break our children's censors of right and wrong, fun and fear, conviction and conformity - let's show them that a duck is a duck and we should never ever call it something it isn't. And if we're going to blatantly trick them into viewing dark as light, at least let's not act surprised when we get the call from the school, angry parents, police, or planned parenthood.

Over the past week, it has been painful at best, to watch Ezekiel stretch for a safe place between excused and excluded, finally deducing for himself and declaring that it is expected of him, in the Public School setting, to follow along as a rule, no matter what his beliefs are. 

I am grateful that we as his parents supported him in his choices, while above all, showing love toward others, no matter where they stood. We can't imagine how our son (or any child with a clear head about halloween) could have fared on his own four years ago as a Kindergardener, but we are sure proud of him in all that he did and didn't do. He's come a long way from days of being captive to legalism and fear. He showed off a brilliant means of balance in choosing his battles and observing with a strong sense of God's provision and protection. I can only imagine how Honored God is by Ezekiel's desire and heart for Him.  

Today, I am celebrating that the non-satanic, but clearly dark and discouraging, cultural indoctrination of halloween is out of our lives for this, our single year of public school. It breaks my heart to watch anyone fall under such the opposite of what God calls us to as His children. 

All in all, there was plenty of good in this week - no one was hurt or lost - God is Good all the time, and many seeds were planted in light-filled, loving, and unsalty ways - we learned who among us are true believers and why they keep their mouths shut about it (it's not our opinion that only the people who do not participate in halloween make that distinction) - we are taking it very seriously, that every single event that takes place in this year is an opportunity to allow God to grow us, and we continue to accept the challenge of setting ourselves aside and making room for His glory.  

If you are reading this and celebrate halloween, know that you are NOT judged by our family. We know that there are families who have invested in wisdom and have been led to redeeming this holiday, still honoring God in all that they do. We are also aware that we have all fallen victim to lies this world has fed us and have no business pointing fingers. 

I encourage you, if you are a follower of God, search the scriptures, invest yourself in the knowledge of Truth, pray for discernment and train yourself to distinguish between good and evil - light and darkness. Stand up for what you are and who you serve, even if it makes you different or seemingly strange to others. Don't settle for the things of this world. This is YOUR life. 

God Bless!

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind." Romans 12:2a

Nine

So tomorrow you turn 9 years old. 

If any of it rang true for me, I'd say "whoa" or "I can't believe it" or "it's gone by so fast", like most Moms exclaim when their kids turn another year older. 

But truly, sometimes I can't believe you're only nine. You're such  a young man already.

And it hasn't gone by fast for me, my love. Rather, it's been one long, beautiful, wonderful, fantastically full nine years. None of which I'd missed a single second, until now.

Now that you have begun your first year of public school, I am missing out on large chunks of our allotted time together, quite intentionally so.

And I don't regret one bit of it. We all would have been wrong to have held ourselves back from what God has for us this year in our public school adventure. Part of our history together is going to include this one year in particular where you and I learned to part ways and spread our own wings a little bit - where we made some room in ourselves for something besides coodles and snoogles and oodles of JUST US. 

This is the year where we won't end anywhere or way in the same place we began. 

And everyday feels like somebody opened a door on a cool spring day - like a butterfly came out of it's cocoon. 

And as different and sometimes difficult as it is to miss out on having every second of you, I already appreciate all this is worth.

I love watching you become a you who isn't geared and steered by my own rudders. 

I love watching you decide, and even more, evaluate the outcomes and re-decide. 

You really are a wonder to me, how resourceful and capable you are on your own.

I have heard you talk about how it's all going by so fast for you - how you want your life and you don't even like having dejah-vue, because it feels like it cuts into your time, "because what's the point if you already know what's coming next, Mom?"

Just nine, huh? One day your age and your face will match all that is going on in there. 
I would have been blessed to know what you do and think the way you can by just nine years old.

And don't you worry, little one, I'm still right here, loving and watching every minute. 
Always. 

A Blessed Transition

As excited as I was for whatever God was up to with all these changes, I kept in mind that my true personal feelings could turn up different once the smoke cleared. I braced myself, knowing that there was a good chance this could suck - me working in a profession I not only never considered in my life, but doing a thing I was always grateful there were "other" people available to do - walking away from a lifestyle of fully investing nearly everything into knowing and watching you while teaching and learning beside you everyday - for you to go to public school, an institution I'm quite opposed to.
There was more than enough room for turmoil.

I know we're not so far into all this, but as things have begun to take shape on this different path, I am impressed and relieved. What a fun and sweet time for us.

This morning, Greg told me that this year is my time. He told me that I have spent the last 8 years taking constant care of everyone else, and he wants me to take this year to find things that are fulfilling to me. He said to work as much or as little as I want to. And while he certainly never made me feel obligated to work, I think it is so sweet of him to say that I deserve to take this year to enjoy myself.

I DO miss school and Zeek. But knowing this is for just one year, I feel comfortable. While I am aware that not everything we are called to do is pleasant, I am grateful that we've accepted a commision so full of blessings and goodness. 

Lego Robot Day

Your school rocks. I mean, completely and totally rocks! 

Today, five days into the school year, your entire class spent the entire day in the Gifted and Talented room, with the GT teacher, divided into teams of three, creating and programing your own original Lego Robots, and competing with them to complete certain tasks. 
HELLO! 
I am in love.
Because learning doesn't have to happen in a traditional classroom doing routine dailies from the same desk day in and day out. 

What's even more awesome is what you told me on the way home. 

"Mom, I didn't like my team at first. But don't worry, that was only in the beginning. I ended up feeling differently. They wouldn't listen to what I wanted, and they just wanted to create their own idea without even thinking about winning. After I asked the teacher in private if I could have a different team and she said 'no' (I would have LOVED to hear that conversation) I realized that just because you might think you're ideas are amazing, and your's would be the best idea, doesn't mean that everyone else will agree and has to chose you. I mean, after all, it was two against one. So I decided that since my Dad works in computers, I would probably be great at the programming part. And that's what I did."

You also told me that your team lost in the end because of a glitch that had happened to other students too. But the OTHER teams got second chances and your team didn't. I asked you if you talked to the teacher about that, too. You said, "No mom, I'm not going to be that kid. I'm the quiet one (who asked for a different team) who does what I'm asked to do. I don't make loud noises in the halls, I don't yell in the lunch room, I'm not disrespectful like that, and I'm not going to be." 

I just love it. All of it. 
The best stuff. :) 

Get it baby.

Feelin' it

On the way home from school tonight you told me that you like Mrs. B, but I'm your favorite teacher. I was not ever looking for such a comparison and am in no competition with anyone over you - but it did make me smile, right before I thanked you and broke it down - we're not trying to find you a better teacher. We're obeying God and letting Him work out all the ways that our public school and the teachers you have are just perfect for what you need right now in your life. 

And we see it every single day. You're growing in such leaps!

Your schedule is surely catching up to you. You were so tired last night. You went through your afternoon routine really well, until dinner time. You were a little sass-talking and a lot emotional. You said all you wanted to do was just rest. After dinner we asked you to go to your room and do your 20 mins of reading for school.

Today, Mrs. Y, your School Counselor, taught you guys about feeling safe, knowing who you can trust, and being comfortable talking with those people. Apparently you listened to her, because when you came down from reading you talked about your feelings.  

You put your hand on your chest and you said your heart hurts - that you aren't sure why, but maybe it's because you feel kind of lonely. Then you said lonely wasn't the right word, but it's something like that. You said it was hard going back to school after the weekend. You said school is a lot - and I agree. 

Your school has very excellent, high standards for you - especially being the fourth graders and eldest of the school. They expect you be good examples, helpers, and mentors to the younger students. And that is exactly why you are right where you are. You can SO do this! You have the chance to walk the walk right now. For as sure as you are that you can follow the rules, be on task, and make right choices no matter what anyone else does, your Dad and I are sure that you are a strong leader with a Mighty God on your side, you shine the Light of Jesus in a dark world, and you will surprise yourself in the ways you succeed to grow this year. 

We are already so surprised by you, everyday. 

There is no mistake in this course our life is on. God is clearly in control, and we are going to walk this out in complete Trust in Him. 

(P.S. It's hard for me too, not having you home - not teaching you this year - not learning beside you - not exploring and cuddling and having our full afternoons together to hang out. I MISS YOU TOO, love.)

One Week into Our New Life

Our first week of public school has come to its end and I could not be more pleased. Well, maybe if the schools had a better Math curriculum than speed testing - but who's to say that won't be the one thing that gives you a Math edge in the long run? 

You were given your personal iPad Thursday. With rules and boundaries laid in place by the school, you will have ongoing "training" and instruction in using it for your year during the next couple of weeks. Your Dad and I are so glad that your school is so tech-savy. 

You are just amazing. Your whole gig has changed this week, and I am in love with the transformation. You stand and talk differently. You are direct and concise and looking people in the eye. You are taking responsibility on your own. You are being so solid and respectful. I'm so proud of you when I think of what you undertook this week and how you handled it like such a strong and capable young man. 

Just four days of public school - this place where God told us to bring you - and you have shaped up and grown so much. Amazing! 

I am excited to spend the weekend together. It's a looooooong four day week when I don't see you, and I'm working (only a bit so far) and we're trying to create new routines and learn schedules… 

From what I can see already, this is going to be even better for us all than I even imagined! 

God is so good. 

2nd Day Down

Today, when I picked you up from school you walked out talking with a friend! :) His mom started talking with me, and we spent about 15 minutes (ok, maybe 20) visiting and getting to know each other a bit. 

On the way home, you told me that school went pretty good today. You got to go to Art class and gym. You didn't have to wear your gym shoes in gym because it was all outdoors. You said you made some friends because you had to meet and introduce each other. You were paired with a boy in your class and you each had to tell the class two true things and one lie about each other. The class had to guess which was which. A classic "break the ice" game. :) 

At home we went through your stuff. You asked me to proof this letter that you have to hand in for your teacher… 

The cutest thing EVER. I seriously cried when I read it. LOVE!

Then you showed me your "after school plan" that you wrote in your mini notebook. 

IN LOVE!!! SO CUTE. I seriously can't handle this list. 

*resp to calls if any (and Nanna DID call you tonight to see how school went, again) 

*watch transformers prime

*sleep

You are too cute honey. 

I'm looking forward to more school stories over dinner tonight. 

Last night, you said you would rather miss some of your Minecraft hour to be sure you ate dinner "with the family". Ugh, he sweetness! 

Your Dad and I love you so much and are proud of you enjoying and doing so well with your second day of school.