not sure

I'm not sure what to do in this blog space now.
I love this digital scrapbooking. 
I never want to stop making a document of my little boy's life from the heart of his mom. 

I don't feel led to and end.
But something has changed. 

I'd been slightly cocking my bad ear blocking out just enough of God's whisper to pay mind but not to hear close words. I promised, i'm here Father - forgive me some time to fit into these clothes You are holding out to me - me, SO small and dry -   
not   quite   ready for so much water.

Fears and concerns faded as God so steady stayed and kept in faithfully. I too leaned in, knowing that I wanted nothing more than I want Him, ready or not. 

Then the old sights and sounds began to roll away becoming foreign and cold. And His quiet whisper became the prevalent, more powerful encompassing - familiar and warm, like the sun reflecting off the new moon.

I thought i would feel less power to have my own light fallen. I thought there would be a dark residual feeling of solitude first. Abandoning rock star for rock.

But it turned out The Light touching surface leads to alignment with His master plan. And at that the Truth connection truly began.
All four of us being One; God, Greg, Zeek and I. 

Walking slowly and awestruck I know very little of this newness. But I can follow the seams back with my fingers all the way to the roots of my beginning.
From beginning to Beginning. 

I am listening to my Teacher. my Guide and Counselor. 

I'm waiting on direction, and I won't dare push. 

When I later get down this new list of priorities to "blog" I know that He'll guide me what and when and where...  

Forgive the time. 
I just can't move in here without His Word. 

love and blessings


story drawing

serious story drawing

Your drawings have become about serious story telling.
I love all the things that are going on in them
and how you describe them to us when they are complete.


nutrition zeek:

("as is" photo #5)

This little nutrition guy has put my mind at ease
about your daily food and water intake.

It's put a stop to all juice drinking,
and "junk food" snacking.
I feel like I've been forcing your bunny crackers
and little boxes of cookies
so they don't go bad before you ever ask for them.

You enjoy putting up the parts of your meals each day,
and it's taught you a lot about what's what
and how to balance what you chose to eat.

Mission complete!



a holy experience- by God and ann

The pile of books and journals that lay on our dinning room table:

full"as is" photo #3 

Ann, a complete stranger has literally pastored me for months.  

God's Words and God's Hands... her diligent work in faith.

Her writing fills the spaces in me with Him. 
She has shown me things in a way they have never been offered to me. 

She has read and understood my heart.
She has written to and upon it.

She has taught me how to make a habit of finding Him in my real life.

She led my family to 1,128 (and counting) accounts of Gratefulness, 
and "Walking with Him Wednesdays" on any day.

She led my marriage through transformation,
with her series, "the making of a marriage bed", 
and taught me how to appreciate the quiet of a lifetime love. 

She showed me how to love everything God has made of me
...and then how to let it all go.  

She has taught my family to never leave the table without chewing the real bread, satisfying our true hunger.

She brought us back to compassion and showed me the heart of her Guatemala. Brought us to Alexandro. 
to sarah and juan. 

She confirmed His asking to store the Word in our hearts. Committing to memory what quick paced and easy resources have deemed obsolete.

And now, she is moving me here,
as a blogger.

I know, like everything else He's used her to change in me
this too will soon see change.

Until then, I will finish up this long season of documenting for Zeek
with an "as is" series of photos, what the corners of our life looked like today,
and then...

only He knows. 

Thank you, Ann, for letting God use you so.
Many Blessings!



all you

fall festival keepers
"as is" photo #2

We don't keep candy around.
After fall festival you insisted we hold on to these boxed treats.
You love them so much.
Your Dad and I don't like gummy candy.
So this is all you, and we like when that happens. :)


an update of the past week...

You have been so well behaved that you have not spent any time in your room as a consequence. 

You have been falling asleep on your own after just two picture books, a prayer, and a tuck (thank you Auntie Pam)

You have been sleeping through the night in your own bed tonight will be night seven!!!
and you have not come down even once until your Dad or I have come and gotten you in the mornings. :) 

This has lead to full nights of sleep for all of us, followed by smiles, patience and happiness through peace-filled days.


Good God. good gourds
  ("as is" real life photo #1)


the water

I sit up in bed to the dread of it again. the nagging relentless sound of what went from bountiful blessing to steady sentence in what seemed like a blink. 
Somewhere, I stopped stopping to notice and put my head down like a ram, just to get through.

I squeeze tears off the edge of my face and blast that I feel the same exact way I felt when my head hit pillow the night before, knowing I couldn't take one more step without physical rest before loosing my mind.

and I want to blame my son for being in my bed the last five hours, the last five nights, rolling over my hair, waking me. keeping the space I hardly sleep in just under the size of a human sliver, hanging on to the edge for dear life.
my muscles are sore. my head and my heart ache.

But I know that God can make rest out of nothing. So I know that I'm allowed here for a reason. a reason which I'm not to put on my son's shoulders.

I swing a leg over the side and force my weighted foot to the floor.
my kid is "starving", always. and demanding at that. and the morning hour is still in darkness.


I can already feel myself breaking away from all restraint. 
I try to remind myself over and over again:
what comes out of the mouth flows from the heart... 
what comes out of the mouth flows from the heart... 
mine's in a sad sad state these days.

I murmur under my breath, "give me a break. really."

more words from a hardened heart swarm around in my head.
And there they will stay, taunting me, deepening my sores. because 30 years of unleashing that dragon too many times to count has at least taught me to fit my fiery tongue with a heavy bit and bridle.
i'm no better off inside.

As I hit the table to do our Bible reading over breakfast I plead silently, God how long will I hold out before I have to make change... change requires an energy of which I have no supply. 
and where will I even begin?

Sure enough, shortly after Matthew 15, two sharp disrespectful little demands and an ungrateful statement resound, and I have the answer to my initial concern.
i. am. done. 

A first-time-ever full day grounding to the bedroom feels best. safest. As for whose grounded and to whose room, I consider for a brief moment...

aren't i raising him? isn't he five? didn't he learn how to talk and walk and spit and spat and roll over the top of me somewhere?
wasn't it me?

but the same as I try to convince him, I am the adult who's responsible to guide him. 
Even if though I do fail 90% of the time.
So it's his mouth and his stomping feet that head off to his bedroom for the day.

And happy as can be he plays and reads and does his best school work to date.

And guilty and shamed, angry and hurt, blaming and lost as can be I loath and creep away to cry deep and call my best women with convulsions of confessions. 

A day of pouring out failures and fears over steaming iron, mop and dish towel... 
we are parents of single, multiple, biological and adopted children, all in a similar boat, learning how to row at the same time dipping buckets of water leaked and heaving them over and out.

I wanted a new boat.
I wanted it badly enough that I took the pills. 
and it felt good for awhile. I felt "normal". For awhile.
I stepped up my homemaker role a notch...

and that was about it.

but I heard Him in that bathroom 200 miles from home. I heard His call and I trembled at the echo in my heart. my unwilling, unready heart.

I've since dipped a finger or four into that water. the water He led me to the bank of one year ago. the water where at first response I slid a rickety excuse for a craft into, with me safely atop gripping broken oars. the water He's asking me to scale this hull I've clung to and drop straight into today. 
His water. 

I've been returning my inner workings/hormones/body to it's prior state, in ruins as it was. No more crutches. Shifting weight from man-made solutions back through me, back over to Him.

I'm warm and washed into the tall thick of the bluff. I would call it shipwrecked if my ship were worthy, but it's proven otherwise, again. 
I can feel the water rolling over the tops of my feet. I can hear the whisper and the same song segment that has broadcast interruption and run through my spirit a thousand times these past weeks...

"if only i could get lost in His ocean. 
surviving on the thought of loving You.
He's just like the water..."

This is not a test. This is the real thing. 

i have to let go and get in.
God, please.

Just Like the Water- Lauryn Hill 


birthday weekend


We spent the whole weekend celebrating your Daddy's 40th Birthday.


Our schedule of fun party events went as follows:

DSC_0002 19-53-27

The most fun was (is always) the Treasure Hunt.


This year I made up little poems with the last word missing
to guide you from one hidden wrapped gift to the next
through out the house.


I love watching you both run from floor to floor,
room to room, looking for the next gifts and clue.


It's kind of like Christmas.


We were blessed with incredible weather for our
outdoor treasures.


Your favorite gift was your fazoodles.
You have been asking for them forever. :)


After two weeks of no sugar for me
I decided to have a sliver of the delicious cake
you picked out for Daddy.


Birthday cake and a winning football game...
who could ask for more.

And as if someone had planned it, 
our family won one of the five very nice 
community gift bags with lots of free tickets and meals
at the Fall Festival at Life Bridge.
(And when I picked the slip for the last family to receive 
the final bag left, it was AUNTIE PAM'S family!!!)

So much fun packed into such a
special weekend!

Happy 40th Birthday, Greg! :)

The following are the poems and gifts from the scavenger hunt:

Plastic or glass 
You use me to drink 
To rinse me out 
You use the ______.
(mader color changer)

Be very careful
Don’t bump your head
Climb up the ladder 
To the top of your bunk____.
(rocket balloons for you
and new pajama pants for your Daddy)

This is a treasure hunt
Not a chase or a race
But run yourself down 
To the cold fire______
(pop tarts- a no-no in this house
and five build it yourself airplanes)

When watching a movie 
And it’s popcorn you crave
Open the package and 
Put it in the ________!
(10 bags of popcorn and the movie
How to Train Your Dragon)

When I make cookies
I always like to look
At my favorite recipes 
In my black cook_____
(Wheat Thins and another no-no in our house,
squeeze cheese)

Forgive me please,
You may have to crouch
Or lay on your face 
To see under the _______.
(a new trio set)

What’s that I hear?
Was it a swish?
You’d better run up 
And check on your _____.
(i honestly don't remember)

Shhhhhh...listen close.
Do you hear a boy vroom?
You should make sure
No one’s in your toy _______.
(snot rod color changer)

Go to the front door.
Put on your crocks.
Time to head out 
To check the mail_______.
(each of your favorite kinds of chocolate)

When people come to visit
And want to rest their head
They crawl up to get some sleep
In the guest ____.
(a can of peanuts and more
pajama pants for your Dad)

I’m not quite sure where
You may have to trek.
But I know it is worth 
The surprise on the _____!
(ruffles chips and dip)

If you are wiling 
If you are able
Hop down the stairs 
To see your cars ______.
(your very own green calculator,
you are in love with mine)

Zu-zus and airplanes
Tracks, cars, and blocks
Are all tucked away 
In your giant toy ____.
(your own set of measuring cups
because you are always stealing 
mine for the bath tub)

Fire Cat and Froggy 
Little House on the Prairie
Are books that have been 
In your upstairs _________.

(a new toy for Yuki)

If you spin it real hard 
It can sure get to cruizin’
Just open the cabinet
Turn the fun lazy _________.
(microwavable dishes for your Daddy
who hates getting burned by our dishes)
If you want to feel
Like famous rock stars 
just jam out on Daddy's
Rockin’ _______.

When you’re ready to go
It’s not easy to choose
But check in the closet
For just the right ______. 
(your own set of measuring spoons
to go with your measuring cups)

If you’re feeling snack-ish 
Then nothin’ says lovin’
Like something delicious
Hiding inside your _______!
("as seen on TV" brownie pan
with fresh brownies waiting.
Your Daddy has been BEGGING for 
this for a long time.)

There might be a gift 
For my 40 year old hubby
Go see for yourself
In his bathroom cubby!
(a very nice electric shaver)


school: reading

Last week we made a video of you reading a book for school. 

We thought Daddy and Gra would especially like to see you reading, but it turned out to be very long. 44 minutes to be exact! 
It was a long book, and I wasn't expecting you to read it all in one day. But you also know how to break things up with your beat boxing, crazy comments and additions between every single page. 

I had to slice and dice it to make it manageable. :)

This is just a clip. There are more videos of the reading session and crazy in-between behaviors on our YouTube account.