unanswered questions

I wrote the following a long time ago. I just came across it this morning and I found myself wanting to answer a younger, scared-er, more taped up and lost me. So I did. And it's kind of funny. :)


I know I had more of these "question lists". I hope I can find them sometime. It's so hope-giving to see where I came from and how God has pulled me through to the place where I am right now. He is so Faithful and has every intention of seeing us through our stuff. 
It also makes me grateful to have learned not to ask so much. To just trust Him and hold on for the ride.

___________________________________________________________

an old post of mine from babyzeek.com / my responses to myself

lost? No dear. Just finding your way. :)


I realized last night that I have not really been writing lately. Not in my personal journals, and not in my blogging. I'm feeling a little anxious about this, because it's usually not a good sign.


Am I numbing out or just getting board? This is called becoming uncomfortably aware that there is a problem, which generally means for you that God is probably about to work on something. 

I think I’m a little confused right now.
Questioning, a lot.   Pam could attest that I’m always questioning something.  :) But right now, I feel like some of the things I’ve been okay with so far are either changing, or I am changing, or something…
and now I’m just wondering about too much.


Questioning things like:


Should we stay in the house we love in the city? Just a couple more years 


Will I ever really be happy without piglets and open fields? Absolutely! And even more so. Piglets are messy and noisy. Skip the drama. Visit a farm.


Shouldn't we have at least one more biological kid, and why don't we want to? No, because God said so. 


Is there a difference between a friend and someone who just really needs you? Yes. But both are for loving on. 


How can people live full-on lies in the face of people who love them? Because they need Love, and you should give it to them. 


Why do we have charitable funding for certain groups of healthy people who are eating and have homes, but we have starving unsheltered sick people dying everywhere? This is earth, not heaven. 


What are my priorities and why doesn't it look like it? Because you are on a journey. Give yourself some time. Align yourself with Him. 


Are animals really that big of a deal, or are we unjustly humanizing them? They are sweet, but people are unjustly humanizing them. 


What is up with the old testament and is that really the God I know, because it doesn't feel like it! I don’t know yet, but thank God for it! Why are we SO wasteful of our resources? “We” or you? Stop wasting if you think it's a problem. :)


Is Oprah the anti-Christ, because I'm starting to think she might be. (That was a joke...kind of.) no, but I wouldn’t follow her, just in case. (that was a joke...kind of)  


Would Hillary Clinton be a good president after all? We certainly won’t have to find out. 


When and why did I gain 11 pounds? It’s called winter and it’s only going to get worse. :) 


Who am I and what am I doing anyway? Your name is Lora. You are a child of God’s, Greg’s wife and Zeek’s Mom. You are trying to keep yourself facing in One direction. Just work on that and the rest will come. 


Why can I only unconditionally allow the three women I’ve chosen to live behind my heart? Hang on sweetheart. You’ll get there. You are on a journey, not an overnight quick-fix. 


Is it true that I’m comfortable because those three women require so much space in their own ways? No it is not true. You are not comfortable. 


How can I offer my trust and loyalty to anyone else who wants in? They seem so good and deserving.And how do I love elsewhere without being so skeptical, picky, and eventually backing out in fear? You don’t need to put all your trust and loyalty into anyone who wants it. But you will put it in Him. And when you do, you will learn that loving someone does not leave room for them to decide your worth. You will know who you are and where you stand, and you will love yourself. You will find in this place that you don’t need as much as you thought, and there will be tons of room inside of you for loving people. HANG ON impatient girl. Hang on. 


When will Zeek and I ever learn the many things we have to learn during the next sixteen years? Homeschool is not about the required 875 hours a year. It is a life style for your family.   
And how will we teach each other? How can you possibly count the ways? 


Why can’t I have the kids who no one else wants when I could take such good care of them and I want them SO badly? I still don't know that this is forever true. I just know that you can’t and that you will get over it in time. Don't freak out about it as bas as you are going to.  


How does “less is more” work for type A? HA. That’s awesome. Right after the last question. Read your last blog, kid. :)
Wait awhile. All of this stuff becomes very very clear in your future. It hurts like hell to get there. But you’ve been through WAY worse. You’ll make it. 


And how do I motivate myself without going back? You won’t go back. God is in a forward motion, and you are going to follow Him. 


What will they find out on Thursday? Obviously nothing earth shattering, since I’m writing these responses to you four years later and I have no idea what you are talking about. :) And what can they do about it anyway? Chill out. You’re fine. 


Why can't it be easier? Sometimes it will be. Long stretches of clear and beautiful easier. Take long deep breaths and soak it up while it lasts. Easy is just a necessary furlough in between strides of growth.
   
Why do I have to be the one to submit to "you can't please everyone"? Because the longer you think you might the harder your life will be. 
Why can't "everyone" give in a little too? You don’t need everyone for your happiness. 


And what is wrong with not wanting everything to look nice and new? Nothing. who said there was? oh. yeah... i forgot that i used to care what she thought. BE YOU.


Is there a vacant cave somewhere I could crawl into for a few days? It’s called Adullam. I’d tell you where to find it, but He loves you WAY to much to let you miss it. 
When you get there and you want to leave so bad you could poke your eyes out, STAY. 
Stay. Stay. Stay.
God is going to rock your whole world.
Sit down and shut up. for once. :)

my one and only

                                                                              (photo: june 23, 2009)

i used to think i owed you someone. someone else little to wrap your world around and fold into all of this with us. 
i used to believe it would be an injustice not to have a second child. 

i guilted and trembled at what you were missing. the cuddles and giggles and twenty little fingers wrapped around the same book on my lap. 
i cried that i had left you "alone" for so long, so far. i worried about your future. your socialization. 
i even convinced myself for awhile that we had to have another. for you.

now, i know how silly that was. how screwed up people are when they say things to me about "terrible and selfish only children" and "what if something happens to your child and you are left with nothing?" and "you wouldn't have any problems if he just had a sibling"...

it took me some time, but now i know who we are and what we have. in the three of us. i know how beautiful and complete we are. full and whole. i know what i would have (and had even started to) let go of and miss out on in adding to this. 

this less in number is more in everything else for us. 


and most importantly, this is inline with just what the Father has asked of me. and i'm not one bit sorry for taking heed and following His will for my life. 
i got exactly what we wanted, asked, begged, pleaded, hoped, prayed, and waited for.

i got you. 

and i'm overjoyed that you're mine!

every perfect beautiful thing about you. every moment. i have watched you. 

every new thing and every old thing you've made new. every thought and expression and word. 

one miracle after the next, my wildest dreams are wrapped inside of these days. 


all of our struggles. our past. our snuggles and giggles and fighting. all of your stomp offs and hit the walls. 
all of mine too. 

the way you gently walked me to repentance and redemption. our promise. 
the way you've made me so much better. for you.

all of the sunny days in hammocks, on the spiny thing at the park, hot lights, cold stone and fireside. 

the rainy under the covers, movie and popcorn, books and puzzles, laundry and puppy days...

through every single little thing i've ever done with you i've been more alive, in love and involved than ever in my life. 

you make everything worth more. 

especially me.

you are mine. 

when you wake up with your hair dried stuck to your face, all warm and soft, smelling a little bit like the baby i used to breathe in. 
when you vroom and zoom and tell a story in your playtime. 
when you show up out of no where to ask if i have time for some koodles... 
the expectant look on your face because you know we always have time for koodles.

when the mail comes and you light up at an envelope or package for you. 

when it nears 4pm and you start asking about your Daddy and when he's gonna get home.

when we crawl in your bed under yards and yards of cuts of your favorite fleece fabrics and we kiss, pray, and read. 
when you roll over and pass out like i'll always be right there.

you are mine. 

and i won't forget the nights when i rocked you, and we listened to the same cd over and over, night after night. 
humming and dancing and kissing. the chalkboard overhead that beckoned, "you will miss this", and the sweet soft baby hairs on top.

days out together and days with friends in tow. the moon, the pools, the walks, rides, parks, side by side on swings... 

things that we would have but didn't, and how just as well it turned out to be.

you are mine.
and the many more dreams i have about the three of us; 

basketball in the snow at night, high school football games on chilly bleacher benches, 
moon watching and homeschool projects, traveling, camping, beaching, exploring, 
learning, having, doing, making, planning, sharing, laughing, being... 
they are ours. 
Yours, mine and your Daddy's.






you are our one and only.
and we are only yours.

always.

love,

mom

Impatience...

no, not the flower. That would be a tulip prematurely flipped inside out. 

It was you who expressed your impatience when it came to the blooming of these beautiful flowers in our front yard.

You just had to see what was going on inside that nearly blossomed bud. 

And of course, i just had to let my little homeschooler pluck and explore.

You were so cute in your excitement, surprise, awe, and finally in love with what

 you refer to as "our new centerpiece" at the dining room table.

upgrade

It became evident a couple of weeks ago that there might be a problem when our friends Theo and Emmett had to have their baby brother Rubin push them in Blue Jeep on a freshly charged battery.

It was undeniable that we would need to do something about our favorite power wheel toy after Theo worked so hard to no avail under the hood to find and fix the problem. 

At first I was thinking we would just replace the battery which had probably drained over it's fourth cold winter. But with spring in the air, so many fun trails in our woods being uncovered bon-fire after bon-fire these days, and your obvious ever-growing-ness, your Dad and I decided that it just might be time to start you out on your first four wheeler!!! 

We did our research, looked at the differences between new and used, made many phone calls and a few visits to some dealerships... 

At last, we decided upon a new, 110cc, Tao-Tao ATV. 
A dorable!

Your Dad took Friday off of work, and we all went together to pick up your new ride. 

We were happy to be able to chose a cute little green camouflage body, AND that we could fit it in our Big Green Jeep to get it home. 

We got it home and your Dad went to work to get you a child sized helmet (a temporary blue one until the green one you picked comes in).   

Meanwhile, I took photos of you being cool on your four wheeler (with out it running).

I explained to you that you would have to learn how to ride, as well as wear safety gear ALWAYS, and follow a lot more rules than you ever had with your little Blue Jeep. 

You were just as respectful, tentative and cautious as you were excited. 

Finally, I drove the ATV all around our property making a note of what more and where I would have to do further clearing...

When Greg returned home I couldn't help but squirt tears (again) over how cute (and little) you looked waiting patiently in your helmet.

And of course, once you were on, your Dad never left your side. With the governor turned down so far that he had to push you up hills, he still never let go of that machine. :)

sniffle-sniffle. MY BABY!!!

Since then, you and I have worked extra hard clearing the trails in our woods, hosting the biggest fire we've ever lit in a new "pit" we created, changed the four wheeler's oil together (another first for you), filled the gas, practiced lesson after lesson with starting, steering, breaking, watching where you are going, stopping, storing and other maintenance. Such an awesome experience for you, and us.

I always feel like right before I have time to morn the loss of the last, we are venturing into a new stage that I'd better hold to fast. 

Such amazing adventures with you! You're the best!

basketball jones

(X's b.ball)

westernized "easter" happened... again

I will not excuse ignoring Jesus or apologize to Him one more time on this matter.

Next year we will truly experience Easter.

robot man

I posted photos on my flickr account of you creating the robot art we have hanging in the living room right now. My girlfriend Emily commented under a photo of the finished project saying,
"i LOVE it. did i tell you that i just bought all new robot bedding for theo and emmett's room? having it painted steel-y gray. this painting would go PERFECTLY... is it for sale?? xoxo" -emily

Of course, we couldn't sell the original, but we were happy to create a custom painting just for her boy's new robot-y room.

This time I did not mix or make any colors. We picked up some new colors using the photo she e-mailed me of their new bedding and a nice square canvas to work on. I painted four crooked little frames for you, set you up in your painting clothes in the place you asked to work, and let you get busy.

I video taped some of the process because you were telling the cutest stories about each robot as you were making them. I was so surprised when you decided that you would paint in the top two spaces UPSIDE-DOWN, explaining to me that once the canvas was flipped right-side-up everything would be in the right place. And you pulled it off! Genius. 

It turned out so super cute. You even stated, "Mom, you're going to have a hard time giving this away!" :) I did have to apologize ahead of time for one very grumpy little robot who "stubbed his toe on an airplane robot and stuck his suction on him". When Emily and her three boys came for a visit you presented them with their gift.

They loved it and were very happy to have a little piece of robot art from you to add to their new room.

um, somebody has made a mistake

and of course i just wrote this

sweets

Spring

Spring is here and I am ecstatic!

We have been taking care of the outdoors, readying it for use again.  Rolling up the screen room wall coverings, wheeling sticks and branches from the yard to the fire pit, burning, washing, clearing, organizing, and blowing the excess leaves to the surprisingly dwindled piles we made last fall. Things are coming along out there.

On Thursday night Greg and I sat out in the screen room for the first time this year. We couldn't believe how warm it was, in the high 60s at 9pm!

With all the windows and sliding glass doors open again it really feels like a whole new house... just the way it did when winter came. I feel like we left winter for our vacation home. :) I feel so blessed and spoiled all over again to be in this place.

I love being in the backyard, working the fallen wood through the fire pit, drinks, snacks, camera, kid/s and outside toys all around. I love to see the birds returning, first the big and now, finally, the smaller. I love looking back at the house and remembering how we got here. How miraculously we got here. I love taking a walk still in awe that this is our "neighborhood". I love being outside in the dark looking at the softly lit rooms through the screens of the windows and doorways. It's So Beautiful and Peaceful.

I think of Curt telling me "it doesn't get better than this" from his favorite vantage point on his property. And my similar heart's song plays in my head, "this is the way to do it."
I also can't help but look up into the sky at Him who I know is above me feeling my pleasure and joy and say things like "what are you doing?" in astonishment... and "i still can't believe this." and always, "thank You. thank You. thank You."

I'll never forget. Never.