unanswered questions

I wrote the following a long time ago. I just came across it this morning and I found myself wanting to answer a younger, scared-er, more taped up and lost me. So I did. And it's kind of funny. :)

I know I had more of these "question lists". I hope I can find them sometime. It's so hope-giving to see where I came from and how God has pulled me through to the place where I am right now. He is so Faithful and has every intention of seeing us through our stuff. 
It also makes me grateful to have learned not to ask so much. To just trust Him and hold on for the ride.

an old post of mine from babyzeek.com / my responses to myself

lost? No dear. Just finding your way. :)

I realized last night that I have not really been writing lately. Not in my personal journals, and not in my blogging. I'm feeling a little anxious about this, because it's usually not a good sign.

Am I numbing out or just getting board? This is called becoming uncomfortably aware that there is a problem, which generally means for you that God is probably about to work on something. 

I think I’m a little confused right now.
Questioning, a lot.   Pam could attest that I’m always questioning something.  :) But right now, I feel like some of the things I’ve been okay with so far are either changing, or I am changing, or something…

and now I’m just wondering about too much.

Questioning things like:

Should we stay in the house we love in the city? Just a couple more years 

Will I ever really be happy without piglets and open fields? Absolutely! And even more so. Piglets are messy and noisy. Skip the drama. Visit a farm.

Shouldn't we have at least one more biological kid, and why don't we want to? No, because God said so. 

Is there a difference between a friend and someone who just really needs you? Yes. But both are for loving on. 

How can people live full-on lies in the face of people who love them? Because they need Love, and you should give it to them. 

Why do we have charitable funding for certain groups of healthy people who are eating and have homes, but we have starving unsheltered sick people dying everywhere? This is earth, not heaven. 

What are my priorities and why doesn't it look like it? Because you are on a journey. Give yourself some time. Align yourself with Him. 

Are animals really that big of a deal, or are we unjustly humanizing them? They are sweet, but people are unjustly humanizing them. 

What is up with the old testament and is that really the God I know, because it doesn't feel like it! I don’t know yet, but thank God for it! Why are we SO wasteful of our resources? “We” or you? Stop wasting if you think it's a problem. :)

Is Oprah the anti-Christ, because I'm starting to think she might be. (That was a joke...kind of.) no, but I wouldn’t follow her, just in case. (that was a joke...kind of)  

Would Hillary Clinton be a good president after all? We certainly won’t have to find out. 

When and why did I gain 11 pounds? It’s called winter and it’s only going to get worse. :) 

Who am I and what am I doing anyway? Your name is Lora. You are a child of God’s, Greg’s wife and Zeek’s Mom. You are trying to keep yourself facing in One direction. Just work on that and the rest will come. 

Why can I only unconditionally allow the three women I’ve chosen to live behind my heart? Hang on sweetheart. You’ll get there. You are on a journey, not an overnight quick-fix. 

Is it true that I’m comfortable because those three women require so much space in their own ways? No it is not true. You are not comfortable. 

How can I offer my trust and loyalty to anyone else who wants in? They seem so good and deserving.And how do I love elsewhere without being so skeptical, picky, and eventually backing out in fear? You don’t need to put all your trust and loyalty into anyone who wants it. But you will put it in Him. And when you do, you will learn that loving someone does not leave room for them to decide your worth. You will know who you are and where you stand, and you will love yourself. You will find in this place that you don’t need as much as you thought, and there will be tons of room inside of you for loving people. HANG ON impatient girl. Hang on. 

When will Zeek and I ever learn the many things we have to learn during the next sixteen years? Homeschool is not about the required 875 hours a year. It is a life style for your family.   
And how will we teach each other? How can you possibly count the ways? 

Why can’t I have the kids who no one else wants when I could take such good care of them and I want them SO badly? I still don't know that this is forever true. I just know that you can’t and that you will get over it in time. Don't freak out about it as bas as you are going to.  

How does “less is more” work for type A? HA. That’s awesome. Right after the last question. Read your last blog, kid. :)
Wait awhile. All of this stuff becomes very very clear in your future. It hurts like hell to get there. But you’ve been through WAY worse. You’ll make it.

And how do I motivate myself without going back? You won’t go back. God is in a forward motion, and you are going to follow Him. 

What will they find out on Thursday? Obviously nothing earth shattering, since I’m writing these responses to you four years later and I have no idea what you are talking about. :) And what can they do about it anyway? Chill out. You’re fine. 

Why can't it be easier? Sometimes it will be. Long stretches of clear and beautiful easier. Take long deep breaths and soak it up while it lasts. Easy is just a necessary furlough in between strides of growth.
Why do I have to be the one to submit to "you can't please everyone"? Because the longer you think you might the harder your life will be. 
Why can't "everyone" give in a little too? You don’t need everyone for your happiness. 

And what is wrong with not wanting everything to look nice and new? Nothing. who said there was? oh. yeah... i forgot that i used to care what she thought. BE YOU.

Is there a vacant cave somewhere I could crawl into for a few days? It’s called Adullam. I’d tell you where to find it, but He loves you WAY to much to let you miss it. 
When you get there and you want to leave so bad you could poke your eyes out, STAY. 
Stay. Stay. Stay.
God is going to rock your whole world.
Sit down and shut up. for once. :)