it feels like i'm standing here grasping soaked newspaper. and yet He continues to plant firm confirmation day after day that this is the direction i am to take. 

art on a serious scale?
for me rather than for you.
as a soul quenching instead of a manufactured product.
an interpretation of me rather than an imitation of someone's original...

art. really? 

to me it's always rated so frivolous and piddling.

not that creating art is bad. 
i've just always slotted it in the same category as going to a movie alone, working on an old car that may likely never be finished much less used, or fishing early on a saturday morning before anyone else is awake. somewhat selfish. a little indulgent. like a hobby. not necessary enough to happen often but personal and quiet enough to feel good and be okay.   

i'm starting to see that original art requires being alone. personal time with you and your own concept. yet it's so hard for me to obtain without human assistance. 
zeek does it flawlessly. he uses his teeth to create of his pancake. a stick to create in the dirt. legos, blocks, candy, and tracks. not to mention what he can do alone in a room of paints and paper. it's still there for him. he trusts his own whisper. 
he hasn't lost it. he's got his own form of real art living inside. and it's true.

in my experience creative and artsy people have most often been those looking for an excuse. lying under their brush strokes, notes, and welding. those who dig their toes into bouts of ego depression and pity parties. people who will be waited on by others who love to shroud themselves with the needy so they can be needed. or more sadly, people being waited for by those who really love and need them. 

i've chalked up divulging in "art" with putting aside what is truly beautiful to prioritize a fabrication.

cutting off ones own ear.

drama and melancholy do not mix well. 

i'm not going to lie. when i hear ARTIST i don't think of healthy, aware, alive, coherent, motivated, inspiring, selfless, reliable... 
i hear starving, lazy, voluntary misfit, checked out, self-absorbed, uncommitted, loose, drifty, spacey, dropout. 

this has kept me from taking it too seriously. ever. 

harsh, i know. but i think it's good to say where i'm at right now, because chances are i'm about to have a revelation of sorts. 
soon enough i'll be laughing at my formerly uneducated opinions and generalizations.

or i'll just be the jerk who said artists are lame. 

whatever it is, "i'm going Your Way" plays over and over in my head and on my heart. 

I'm going Your Way.
I'm going Your Way.
I'm going Your Way.

and as i put away the "inspirations" piled high, close the lid of my laptop, squeeze my eye lids as tight as i can, and take a deep breath of You
i know You are right here, breathing me in just as deeply. 
never letting me down. 
always holding me close. 
waiting on me, who you really Love.       
trying to show me something new. again. 

blow my mind
can't wait 
i love it