You

There's a sacred quiet place inside of me that is made up an unexplainable love that's all for you. 

I've dreamed of this life, where two people in love, have love, and know a love they've yet to hold. 
I knew it was possible, but I long let go of the hope it would ever be ours. 

God does His amazing thing in His amazing ways, and all things work together for good. 
It took awhile to get here, but we are really truly, actually, finally here, 
and we are coming for you! 

Hold tight "you".

Nibs,

Today we did some stocking up on groceries at Woodmans. You often stand on the cart holding the push bar while I push the cart with you leaning back against me. We talk and whisper and giggle and sometimes I sing into your ear. Sometimes you mention that there are people, like you don't want me to sing to you or kiss your cheeks in front of them. I don't mind. I do it anyway. I hope you always remember my love for you. 

I think of that when we watch our show at night as a family. We all lay on each other and snuggle close, sometimes with a dog or two to top us off like cherries on an ice cream sunday. I didn't have that closeness with my family when I was a kid. I hope it makes all the difference for you. I don't know how we could be in the same room and not fallin' in love. ;)

After walking away from your favorite cartoon last week because of it's content that is dishonoring to God,  I think you gave up your usual brand of yogurt today because you realized the brand is called "Greek Gods". You mentioned something about it and asked where the "Brown Cow" yogurt was instead. Your conscience and convictions are pretty remarkable. While I do like to encourage balance and remind you that we are Free in Christ, I do let you take your strong stands. I even learn from and have become more mindful of myself because of your example. 

You have been making your own play money in your spare time the last couple of days. You got the idea from your Judy Blume Double Fudge audio book. You have a whole plan to make items that you can sell to your friends using the Fudge Bucks you are going to give them when they come to visit you. You are pretty serious about it. Although, I don't quite understand the appeal, it's cute, fun, imaginative, artsy, and somewhat mathematical. And it's not a video game, so... 

Speaking of, you have been earning your Media Time. In the completion of a school day, chores, extra reading, exercise, and community service you receive a determined amount of time per activity. It has been a good way to balance your productivity with your down time. We'll see how it works for the first weekend we use it. 

I love you. 
You're fabulous. 
Can't get enough of you. 
Meam

Zeek,

Yesterday we got "the call" we have been waiting for from our Adoption Case Worker. Our paperwork was approved so far, and we were able to schedule our first Home Study. We are very happy about this step. Every step forward is exciting for me and your Dad. I don't know that you understand it all completely. The process of adoption can be overwhelming and confusing at 8 years old, I'm sure. We try our best to explain it and include you in our celebrating of milestone, dreaming and planning for. 

Last night, we watched our Brady Bunch, like we've done every week night since Christmas. When it was over, you asked for a second, like you've done every week night since Christmas. :) We usually say yes, but your Dad asked what we thought of all snuggling into the same big bed, watching a movie on Amazon, and falling asleep together. I think all the excitement over "the call" made him want his family close. He and I did our devotion while you got ready, and then we all climbed into our bed, did your devotion with you, and then your Dad prayed. We fell asleep watching Turbo. 

When I woke up this morning I was between you both. You each had a knee over me and your arms were laid across me, touching. I've never felt so loved and special, to be the girl of your hearts. I can't imagine more love. I watched you both sleep for awhile. Your Dad, so strong and sweet. His heart is so good. And you, so grown and yet so young. I can see his strength in you, and his quiet, sound, stable peace. You are both so good. 
I love you. 

Ezekiel,

For eight years I have kept a blog just for you. The pages have been filled with your milestones, activities, events, interest, and all your days since birth. It's been a journal of my heart for you with photographs and love letters. It's been a sort of baby book for you and memior of our family, so far.

As you know, in the past several months we have been discussing our desire to adopt. Of course, you have been a very important part of this consideration. Your Dad and I are grateful for and encouraged by your heart to welcome another child or children into our family, and we are proud to announce that we have officially began the process!  

As our life will likely soon be filled with more hands and feet, more smiles and tears, more of us... these life documenting pages are going to take root in some significant changes. These letters will no longer be written to just you about the three of us, but they will also be addressed to whoever it is God has chosen to enter into our family.

Here we will write stories of celebration, blessings, and the proof of His favor and provision in and on our now expectant family.

While we will surely enjoy the journey, we can't wait to be united! 

Yours Forever, 
Mom  

Somewhere Out There

A saved post from 12.18.13

Last night, your Dad and I put our inflatable penguin family out on the deck again for Christmas. We stood together facing the three of them - like the three of us - and your Dad said to me, "maybe next year we will need to add another little penguin to their family." It was an exciting realization for us both - this Christmas could hold some of our lasts for just the three of us, before we become... more.

When we went inside to look out at them, happily waving, bundled close together, we prayed there by the Christmas tree. We prayed for our child or children. Wherever they are, whoever they are, that they are safe. We prayed for the people caring for them to be loving, gentle, patient and kind. We prayed that God would fill them up with Him, hope, peace, and love - with a knowing inside.

It's an incredible thing to think - that our child or children, your sibling or siblings, are out there somewhere, right now. 

Zeek

Today was such a good day. I never want to forget. 

You smiled most of the day. Your eyes sparkled. You joked, danced, sang, spun and jumped. You threw back your head and laughed hard. A lot. 
I loved watching. 

We made our lists of to dos, and wants. We did some school and ate breakfast a couple times. We snuggled our dogs in our chairs at the table. You played between studies. I cleaned and readied. 

I took you to gymnastics for open gym. I shopped while you played. When I picked you up we decided to go cosmic bowling. We had the greatest time at The Gutter. I felt like I was with an older you, a more-comfortable-in-his-skin you, more confident-in-his-stride you, a looser, funnier, more humorous you. 

I looked at your hands - halfway there, between child and man. The way you move them, how they curl... I thought about what things they might do one day. I watched your eyes - I still can't believe He gave me you. So much you will see, and discover, and find here. So much light and life in your dancing eyes. 

I loved how you did the robot for me in front of all those people - the people you referred to as "the public". I loved how you tackled me in the alley and didn't mind one bit what anyone thought of you laying on me, laughing - not even all those kids who were watching. 
I loved how you bowled seven pins and in the second half of your frame you missed the remaining three altogether, and so you stood, motionless, staring down the lane for what felt like forever. You made me laugh like, up until now, only my brother could. 
I loved when you said, "they call this an alley you know? We're in an alley... Only it's cleaner here." and you searched my face to see if it worked - if you made me laugh. I've never seen you do that before, try your own hand at comedy. 

You're so kind. You've always been so kind, but it's growing up with you. A bigger kindness. 

And you're neat. Always interesting. Always bringing something fresh and new to the table, into perspective. And it's always smart - like "why didn't I think of that" smart. 

And now, you're funny. You are SO funny, and I laughed so hard it was hard to forget you were my son and not just a friend I was out having a good time with.
How big you are getting. 

And your sweet. I love how sweet you are. Opening doors for me, slipping your hand into mine when we walk, asking me if I'm okay when I stub, or snag or shock myself. 

Thank you for today. 

I've never forgotten your every stage, and I'll forget you like this. 

I love you,
mom

That Elf

Here are some highlights from Sparky the Elf - 2013

 

What I'm Learning from Home School

I honestly wonder regularly, who is learning more here. Me or you?

I was so excited about our new plan to shorten the times per class from your "simulated public school week", and carry on with our new and more outlined homeschool days. I loved the way the structure really amped up your responsibility and respectful attitude toward school, and even me. 

Then came Monday morning, and as we began our new approach on a lower key, everything crumbled around us. You were upset, which usually doesn't happen. You seemed frustrated, unhappy, distraught really. You even cried during your second class of the day - just sat over your workbook, pushing your pencil, and crying. 

After talking, cuddling, and deciding that this could just be a rough day for you (we all have them) we wrapped things up and called school off early.

The next day, school went better, though it still didn't seem quite right. 

While speaking on the phone with another mom about her own homeschooling dilemma, I was led to call our ILT (Independent Liaison Teacher) through the Public Charter School you have been enrolled in for the past two years. I needed to ask her some questions about the requirements before I could move forward in supporting and advising my friend. 

During that conversation the ILT shed some light on my own homeschool requirements, expectations, and schedule. I brought this up to her, asking her respected opinion and advice, and she really helped change my understanding and perspective. 

I think that homeschooling can be tricky. While a generally laid back homeschooling parent might not meet the standard with their children on a regular basis, a more A-type person might have their children going way too far and above what should be expected of them. There's really not a good way to even know (in Wisconsin) how your homeschool children academically compare with public schooled kids. That can lead to questions and feelings of doubt that either bring on ideas of failure or an overachieving focus for a homeschooling parent. 

We were definitely of the latter mentality. When we slimmed our schedule down for this week, we actually went from five hours of table time a day (table time being active lessons and practices at the table) to a shorter four hour table time. I thought this was lenient of me. :(

After speaking with our ILT, hearing the requirements and expectations of the state, what the public schooled kids aren't learning, the ratios and statistics, the challenges and obstacles they are up against, and the environment they are supposed to be growing in, I realized that you are way way way far and above what most kids are academically being exposed to today. I also remembered that while our homeschooling is about one-on-one, specific learning to your strengths and style, choosing what goes in and monitoring what comes out, and cultivating your character from a healthy launching pad, it's also about being able to feed your individual and personal growth rate appropriately.

While, there is no doubt (especially when you score off the charts in the standardized public school testing) that you are extremely intelligent, we are and have been doing WAY too much school. Which would explain why you are in 3rd and 4th grade curriculums at a 2nd grade age. 

And don't get me wrong, I'm not about to let the opportunities we have to enrich your education and lean into the areas of your strengths slip away. But we are done with four and five hours of 10 to 12 one-on-one lessons and pencil pushing every day. 

We are finished turning you right off to learning. 

We are going to do five to six classes a day. We're only going to spend 2 to 3 hours in scheduled one-on-one table lessons. 

We are going to the library more and renting more books for you to soak in at your leisure (since, you read more in your spare time than anything else). We are going to go on more field trips and plan more playdates. We're going to make more fun kid deserts and meals, and do more arts and crafts. We're going to watch Bill Ny the Science Guy and Modern Marvels, start projects, and play more games... we are going to PLAY more! 

And as our ILP advised, we can find other areas to amp up the structure that you reacted so positively toward. It just doesn't have to be in school. Your responsibilities and our expectations of you can come up a little, while we rightfully lessen the intensity of your school load.

I'm sorry that I forgot you are eight. I'm sorry for putting you through a middle-school-like schedule.

I promise to protect you from losing these fun and free days of your youth. 

What I Learned From "Public School"

There's been a lot of whining and complaining at the school table the past... few years. I especially noticed it has been getting worse of late. I was adamantly administering the well known empty threat of a homeschool mom, asking "do you want me to send you to public school so you know what it's like to have something to complain about?" 

Of course, we never would,
and I'm sure you knew it. 

So onward with the whining, and grumbling, and arguing... and next came bossing, bullying, and disrespecting me - your mom and teacher. 

On a cold morning, after having to flex the schedule a bit to hit the grocery store before starting school, I had heard about all the ungrateful complaining I could take as you stuffed your spoiled face with a Long John donut I was regretting. It was at that time you shouted up to me in exasperation that your mom-drawn chariot was just "WAY TOO WARM" for you. 

It was at that time I honestly considered pulling the car over on the country side road and dropping you off (not before stealing your sprinkled frosted donut for my own cozy quiet ride home). I thought better and pulled myself together, promising to make a change. 
Something had to give!

I spoke with your Dad (who, by the way, advocated sending you to public school for a couple of weeks) and this is what we decided upon: to simulate a public school environment as best we could at home for one week-minus, obviously, the masses.
We began this week, and we were all surprised at the results. 

You were expected to wake up every morning in time to "make the bus". 

You dressed, ate, brushed your teeth and hair, and got your homework and bag lunch packed up to go. You put on your shoes and jacket (and even umbrella one day), kissed your mom good-bye, and walked to the end of the driveway to wait a timed 5 minutes for your pretend bus to arrive. Then you came into the house to sit in our leather chair for another timed 10 minutes on your way to school (I call this lenient).

Once at school you had a designated locker for all of your things. You were given a schedule indicating the time and order of each class, including a recess, lunch and study hall. 

In classes you were asked to sit in a normal seat at the table and mind as you listen to me teach and instruct you on each lesson. You were given 10 to 15 minutes to begin working on the assignment for the next day, and then you had 5 minutes between classes to put away and gather your things for the next period. 

I thought this would really show you.

I thought you would see how much less fun it is to get up on time, to wear jeans and be responsible for so many things. 

I thought you would hate sitting down and listening to lectures and lessons at the chalkboard. 

I thought you would really pout about having to eat a sack lunch or what ever the "school" gives you. 

I thought you would beg back your cushy little life of privilege and pajamas.  

But the opposite happened. 

You actually love school this way. 

You love the structure, the schedule, the expectations, the higher standard, the responsibility, the lessons, and accomplishments... 

You love that we have handed all of this to you with sure confidence that you could achieve it, and you are well aware that you are excelling even more so under these circumstances that you were on cruise control with a demanding lip. 

You have certainly risen to the occasion, and I am truly humbled by what I have seen and learned. 

You were doing very well before, but you were sassing and smarting off and wearing a pair of pants too big for your own size. And not just during school.

All along I thought it was just you, when in fact it wasn't you at all. It was me. It was how I was doing things; just you and me, fun and family, snug around the dinning room table, laughing in our sweat suits and tangled bed heads. 

It was fun. It really was. And I don't regret one second of it.

But in hindsight I can see how we got where we did.

And looking to the future, there may not be pretend busses or bag lunches after this week, but not too much else will be changing around here - and the funny thing is, none of us are sorry about it.

A Day in the Life

I kept a record of this day... I'd like to do this more often once in a while. 

I would love to have these from when I was a kid. 

6:55  you woke and came down to climb in bed with us - we gave your Dad a sandwich cuddle

7:10  your Dad got up for his shower and we snuggled another few minutes

7:15  you got up to draw at the kitchen island (you’ve been drawing every morning this week)

7:30  I made the bed – your Dad made you eggs and toast – I made us all green drinks

7:45  Your Dad and I had our morning slow dance to James Morrison’s, You Make It Real

7:50  We waved your Dad off to work at the front door (everyday, we stand in the front door -all window- and as your Dad drives off to work, he rolls down his window and waves to us. It’s a tradition you started years ago.)

7:55  You went back to your drawings while I put the dogs out, fed them, and cleaned the poop out of Frank’s kennel L

8:10  I gave sassy Frank a bath in the kitchen sink and then disinfected the sink and counters

8:15  I tidied up the rest of the house (not much to do)

8:30  We started homeschool with four pages of addition practice in Math – a light day today, because you have done extra each day this week, working until 2 and 2:30 each day!

8:45  You did a few worksheets while I started a game of Canasta online.

9:15  You wrote out the answers to some of the questions in your Science book from our experiment this week.

9:30  You took a break

9:45  We watched your lesson for the day in Institute for Excellence in Writing – Created a Story Sequence Chart

10:20 We snacked while finishing IEW – PB toast & water

10:40 Typing lessons

11:00 You did Spanish while I prepped for dinner

11:30 You did art while I watched my devotional

12:00 We had lunch – pizza, honey crisp apples with cinnamon, left over goat cheese mac w/ bacon and gf panko, and baked beans

12:15 You played while I got ready to go out with you for the afternoon

12:45 I set up the Robot Vac to clean the floors while we were gone and we left for Susan’s house

1:00  I visited with Susan while you played with their dog, Grace, in the backyard

2:30  Went to the Once Upon a Child for some costume pieces for your play – got them

4:00  Went to Smart Cow - yummmmm

4:30  Went to costume fitting for play

5:00  I put dinner to finish while you put dogs out

5:15  You and I played Super Nintendo

5:30  Your Dad came home from work with beautiful flowers for me

5:45  We played some more while he showered and dinner finished

6:15  We all ate and watched Little House on the Prairie (we're in Season 5)

7:15  You brushed, washed, had your water and said good night to your Dad while I put the dogs out one last time for the day and tucked them into their room

7:30  I brought you up to read (Battlefield of the Mind for Kids and Tom Sawyer), pray, talk, cuddle and tuck

8:20  I am heading to bed for devotions with your Dad, a little Modern Family or Duck Dynasty, or X Factor