Your Daddy and I just dropped you off at school. We prayed together in the parking lot, and then I went in with you -all the "drop-off parents" went in with their kids. I had to give your teacher your portfolio from last year, and I wanted to make sure you knew where you were going, but mostly to have a mental picture of where you would be today, for myself.
I was surprised to see that most of the boys were wearing sport and cotton shorts. You will be so happy to be allowed to wear yours while it's still warm enough. You look very handsome in your first day clothes. You are towering tall over almost every single kid. There are only a couple almost as tall as you.
When the bell rang at 8:30, giving you permission to go to your classroom, you took the correct turn to the right from the library, and then I showed you to look for the bananas in the hallway to take your next turn. We found your name tag over your hooks, hung your backpack, and went to your room.
Your Teacher was very happy and calm for her first day. She smiled, greeted you, and gave you a blow pop sucker, instructing you to put it in your desk and then follow the directions on the smart board at the front of the classroom. She lovingly asked me how I was doing, knowing this is a very first for me too. I told her I was doing well and that we've been preparing for this day, praying for her and her kids… we chatted briefly, I dropped your portfolio, book order, and tissue box off at her desk and then checked on you one last time.
You asked me if you were cold or hot lunch. I told you "hot". At the smart board you had to move your character to the box indicating which lunch you would have. Then you had to take a piece of loose-leaf paper to your desk to brain storm ideas of what you could write in a letter to your Teacher.
I told you I was going to leave and asked if you were doing ok. You said you were fine and would actually like it if I would go. I refrained from hugging or kissing you. :)
I walked away with a big fake smile trying to blink away my tears. Thankfully, no one made eye contact. In the parking lot I actually forgot to look for cars before walking. Halfway through, I jokingly hoped someone might hit me with their car. In the driver's seat of my car I hugged myself a little while I let the tears come out, but it didn't feel better. I feel like I left a part of me inside that school today. I will miss our fourth grade year together in ways I won't dare utter to you.
I know this is right, and when I think of you sitting alone at the kitchen table for a new "first day" of school at home, as a Homeschooler, I get it. I do. This is not where you belong this year. It's just so weird and hard knowing that if you're not here, neither am I.
Good thing I have a long hair appointment today. Good Mama therapy. I may even get a pedicure if I have time left over.
I love you and miss you and am so so happy for you, big guy.
(p.s. i did not take the in-school photos, today. i wouldn't embarrass you like that)
(p.p.s. Pug did not get to go to school with you)