let it

(journal entry: 12.4.08)
I dream of the house. Every time I dream it is of being there....
I'm so excited for our future there @ the partridge home. 

It's our first snow here.
It's hard to believe, but it's real.
We are here.
Just like He said.
and it's snowing for the first time!!!

Thank You Jesus.

Chicago

I went to Chicago over the weekend to meet Katherine, a friend I've been "e-palling" with over the internet for a few months. I did my best to get out of having to do this after I accepted the invitation for a girls' getaway weekend to one of the biggest (scariest) cities in the US. I had all kinds of reasons not to. Mostly based in and around fear. of driving. of being away from home. of leaving zeek for NIGHTS (for the first time). of meeting a complete stranger and being stuck with her for two days...

I'm SO grateful with much thanks to Greg I was unsuccessful in my attempts to pass. It was one of the most amazing trips I've ever taken.

Thursday, my Mom made the brilliant suggestion that I get a hold of Greg's cousin Andrew to see if he might be able to lend me his couch on Friday night. This way I wouldn't have to get up before dawn to drive four hours to pick up Katherine at the train station.

By Thursday night it was settled. Zeek would go to Becky's for the day on Friday, I would be leaving around 11:30am for Chicago. Staying with Andrew in Lincoln Park.

Friday I packed, dropped Zeek off, and headed out of town on time. 

I stopped at Jimmy's a couple of hours in, and it was on to Ikea from there. 

I got to Schaumburg, IL, at about 3:30pm. Shopped Ikea which was cool but not quite all it had been cracked up to be for me. I bought some fun stuff and headed to Drew's around 5pm. (I knew this was rush hour, but I didn't care)


TWO hours and nine minutes later, I arrived 21miles away in Lincoln Park, Chicago, IL at Drew's. :)

We had an awesome night. 


We talked, went out to dinner (burgers and shoe string fries), laughed until our faces hurt, played on photo booth (his first time), laughed even more, gossiped something fabulous, hung out with his new girlfriend, Britta, and FINALLY went to bed at around 1:30am.

So far I was loving the traffic, the streets, and the people of the big city I thought I'd be so afraid of.

Saturday morning I woke up at 7:00am before my alarm. I snuck into the shower, got cute quick, packed my stuff, left a note for Drew and headed out around 8:30am.


That was when the crying started. I'm still not completely sure why. I was just SO happy and something "me" was happening inside. again. that seems to be a reoccurring theme lately.

The spoiling I had just received by Andrew.
The city.
The buildings.
The sun.
The traffic.
Me alone.
My car.
My stuff.
The people.
Their dogs, Ipods, bikes, joggers, smiles...
The freedom.
What lay ahead.
The gratefulness.

It was overwhelming.

I think it was at this point that I learned how difficult it was to park. anywhere. ever in Chicago.
I had to pick a girl up FROM THE TRAIN STATION. and there was absolutely NO access.
She had to find a corner and I had to stop and throw her and all her stuff into my car at a red light!
It was crazy. and fabulous.

We laughed, hugged, sighed, and pushed the pre-programmed buttons on my GPS all while safely squished between three other cars in a two lane street. We were off to our pre-determined first destination; the renegade craft show and sale.

We did that not so fun parking thing again (which really was kind of fun). And between my GPS (on foot) and my Iphone we were finally able to find the place. (Greg would have been so proud)

Once inside we took it all in. It was like we'd known each other forever. Like we'd done this before. Got together, shopped, perused, laughed and told each other what to do, visiting and loving each other all the while.

We were the first to take our free photos in the photo booth they had set up. We decided what each of the four photos should look like. Practiced them TOO many times to count, and then took the CUTEST shots ever with one minute between each shot. Again, like we were made for each other. The planning and bossing and leading and moving...it was all done too well for TWO of us on top as we seem to be. It was hope for my future with women who know what they want and aren’t afraid to say it. Likeme.

Katherine learned just how much I love bird prints and owls, and I learned just how much she really does like a girly brand of things, as well as ALL things paper! "Get me one of each." :)

We photographed a bit there and on the street as we navigated our way back to the jeep.


Then, button punching, off we were, headed to Little Branch Cafe. 

THE BEST FOOD! We think this may have been disagreeable with our stomachs as we had bathroom issues that night, both. But, strangely, it was SO worth it. 

We TALKED at Little Branch. We cried and hugged, and photographed our food and drinks. It was wonderful. I learned that she doesn't like cucumbers. She learned that I like to take my journal with me almost as often as my camera, even though I rarely use it. The rest of things we learned are ours. Just ours.



Next, we went to millennium park. Parking there was better. Well, the trade off is you PAY to park when you get a spot. $22 for nearly two hours. But again, SO worth it.

We went straight for the big chrome bean, which is apparently a highlight of the park. (and rightfully so)
We photographed ourselves like fools in the reflection of this "space craft" looking thing. We stood, we crouched, we laid, we jumped, we went close, we went far, we were ridiculous. and we loved every minute of it.

About 10 minutes in about 140-or so people showed up dressed in SANTA gear!!! all at once, pretty much. They skipped and danced, held hands and circled, hugged and sang a carol! It was amazing! I cried. again.
It was all so wonderful. Like a perfect dream.

I asked a guy where they all came from and he told me that there is a place on Facebook that determines what day and hour people in santa costumes will meet there. He told me they didn't know each other, but this was their third year. :)

SO AMAZING that at noon, on Dec. 5th, 2009, we just happened to be there. We, complete-face-to-face-strangers ourselves, pushed through being the staples of our families, fear, and whatever else could have (and always had for me) stopped us, and were RIGHT there RIGHT at that moment. It was way too Jesus to be anything else. (In fact, the whole weekend was.)

After this we took more photos in the park and then headed to our movie. The Blind Side. We did that paid parking thing, again ($29 this time). We paid $11 each to get into the movie, only to find out that it had started 20 minutes prior. The listing showed wrong. But what could we do.

Well, I don't know what we missed, but it was the biggest screen I'd ever seen. We had to sit WAY too close to it. And the movie was fantastic! More crying. At least this time there was chocolate. :)

In the parking garage we found a gentleman worker on a fast golf cart type thing who agreed to zoom us across the garage to the jeep. We were pretty much clueless. Whip lash and tip and we were back in the car.

Finally, we made our way to the hotel. The Blake. Should be referred to as "The Bust". Although, the valet parking and the concierge who took our bags to our room were magnificent, it all stopped short at the laundry list of issues that followed.
I'm not documenting the trouble we had. It's certainly didn't ruin our weekend, and it isn't going to sour my memories either.

We walked the streets to find a place to eat and pretty much gave up at a place called "Hackney's" which was tasty, thankfully. I had a rubin and she had a hummus apple dish... ??? I'm pretty sure.

We walked back to the hotel... and after a LONG night of not so much fun, we were blessed to wake up with few troubles. Although, we decided it would be best if we only chose one more destination for our time there, and headed home a little earlier in the day than planned. Our tummies were a little screwed up still. :(

We went to a place called Paper Source. We street parked and walked again. Farther than we'd hoped. But all went well. The place was adorable and full of PAPER.

Kat bought some... PAPER. :) And I bought an owl apron. Which couldn't have been more perfect. A perfect souvenir.

We took a cab back to the jeep, which, Zeek pointed out to me when I told him the story, might very well have been my first cab ride ever.

I drove her to the same corner I picked her up from, and pretty much had to throw her out at a red light. She left for her train. It was so fast I didn’t even have time to check how I felt about leaving. Her. Or chicago.


It was time for home.

I LOVED knowing that something happened to me between now and past that made me capable of driving in all of that after all. Capable in a way that even made me feel like I made friends in passing, driving so closely in such a welcoming crowd of vehicles.
I LOVED knowing that she and I were even more amazing together than we'd already gathered from our awesome, unique, wonderful e-mail relationship.
I LOVED knowing that the whole trip was a success, and that I had conquered the feat of doing the big city on my own, and couldn't do it again soon enough!

I can't WAIT to return. I can't wait to take Greg. I can't wait to go with my Dad, and one day Kat and kids, too. One day, maybe even just me. :)

I ABSOLUTELY LOVED IT!!!!

zeek talk

Mom. You can have as many babies as you want. You can have 100 if you want. Because I love babies now. I even love elijah! Can you believe it!?

me: I just want to eat you alive!
zeek: no mom, I don’t want to go back into your tummy! Then you would have to poop me out like a giant poop! Right?

zeek: I wish I had a (cat) tail.
me: I know you do. I wish I had a maid.
zeek: I know you do.
me: I think you should be my maid.
zeek: I can’t.
me: why not?
zeek: I’m too young to have a baby.
me: maids don’t have your baby, they clean your house.
zeek: well, I’m too young to be a mate.




We were making bean people for art, and I said,
“I think this one will be the baby”
Zeek leaned over my art to watch me color the baby bean and he said,
“why are you such impressed with babies, mom?”

evolving???

Finally, I'm moving along with my photography. I feel like I'm stepping in mud a little, but I guess the best way to grow in this will also be similar to my spiritual journey, as it's always been.

Triggered by "a week behind the lens" on the O channel, which I accidently stumbled across in the nick of time (are there any accidents?)

Nothing specifically "said" what to do. But something happened in watching a day in the life, and interviews with famous photographers...seeing their work and hearing their words.

I realized that this isn't, this doesn't have to be, about product.
In fact, it's never felt like it should be or was meant to be about product for me.  

The "product" I strive to achieve, much of which is edited in, is one perspective. A fun and wonderful way to go about it.
But for me, I've felt my way out in finding my way in. The more I've learned on the technical end, be it from behind the lens or from behind the editing process, the less my heart has soared in a photo or moved through an image. and it's left me empty and sad. but hardly searching. i guess i had just let go and assumed that this was all I had in me anymore.

Now I know there's more for me, yet. There is something in the photographer in me, something from the center of myself that is ready to come out and be free. So I'm removing the walls, and boundaries, and tape, and expectations, and product mentality...
for a good while i am only going to shoot with my heart and my eye. and what comes of this is what will be. dark. light. sharp. blurred. contrasting. dull. simple. complex. ugly. beautiful. real. true. and honest.

I'm SO ready for this right now.
Thank You God for bringing this about.
Be Glorified.

Thanksgiving

It happened.
It went really well.
Reminiscent of the kind of good, solid, love-filled get togethers we had when the boys were first born. Really special and memorable.

Thank You, God.

hot tub lub

We finally got the hot tub up and running. We have been enjoying it ever since. Literally. We hardly come out. :) 

We have a very small leak somewhere underneath. We have to add about an inch of water every day. I had to wash the entire room down, walls, blinds, screens, windows, floor, and cover all because of condensation and the fact that the room hasn't been cleaned in years. AND it costed $140 just for the chemical program I bought yesterday. The good in that is that we bought the FROG program which uses less chemicals than any other system, and the kit last for 4-6 months. Some of it longer. All well worth it!

Zeek loves it. He *swims* in it all the time. Even Greg loves it. 

It's been great for all of our sleep. We sleep fast and hard after a day of spa and resort. 

It makes the house feel even more amazing, like were just plain being spoiled, now. :)  

Thank You God. Help us find that leak, please! 

mission playschool complete

Yesterday, Zeek had his first day at "playschool". That's what we've agreed to call it. Because teachers, daycare, day school, the center, preschool, and the like were all indications of something Zeek wanted us to be sure this was not. :) Because he is attending so that he can "learn" to be a friend and play with other kids, "playschool" is appropriate.

Whew! Now that we have that settled... :)

I made him let me take a little "first day" photo. Since, who knows if there will be too many of those opportunities for a homeschooler. Not likely. He did great for it.

He was hesitant about going, knowing that i wasn't going to stay there with him, but he was okay. The "playschool" is only a mile from our house, so as we quickly approached the building i heard him call from the back seat, "i can't believe we're already here." as though he was expecting a ride to the city to calm his nerves. :)

Once inside (so adorable, btw) he found a fun toy to play with that he's never seen before. And he really didn't mind that i was leaving. I kissed him and told him i would be back soon. He whispered that he didn't want me to go, but he had a smile frown on (where he puckers his lips like he's really upset, but there's a smile peeking through the edges). That was my sign that he was JUST FINE. And so I went.

When I returned he was having a blast. Playing and comfortable. He RAN to me with his arms out from across the huge room, and we almost chipped each others' teeth when we smash-face kissed. :)

Then it was off to play so more for him.

Becky and Jeff showed up about 10 minutes later. They wanted to be a part of his first day and see his "playschool". They loved it and we stayed while Jeff helped Zeek climb the climbing wall, and Becky and I had another tour given by the owner's mom.

We all went back to our house and had balloons, pizza, drinks and cookies... it was a really nice night.

Zeek said:

zeek: mom, why’s Yuki’s nose always wet?
me: I don’t know. Maybe because she’s always licking it?
zeek: maybe we can find out on dog.com

“please can I have some juice and why do you have boobs?”

zeek: I found something I could do.
me: what is it?
zeek: I can’t tell ya’. It’s not a teller thing. It’s a see-er thing. And it’s in the kitchen. Wanna come catch it?

Playing xbox fish game with me Zeek says,
“You can’t ever eat the shark. Not on the demo.”

Playing memory with Jay he says,
“Mom! I found some bats so now I have six...and jaymee barely has four.”

He came hobble-skipping into the living room, leaned over on the couch with his arm over his stomach, looked up at me with his eyes half closed and strained to tell me, 
“I ate way too much candy, so don’t squeeze me.” 

me and you against the world

me: let me just get these wieners off of here...

Zeek: what did you just call those?

me: (reluctant) wieners???

Zeek: (light goes on) OH! BECAUSE THEY ARE SHAPED KIND OF LIKE WIENERS!!!! :)

We got shafted a little for not being the most subservient babysitters in the world... which led to Greg doing some soul searching, finding his footing and standing firm that we need to do what is right for us as a family whether other people agree with us or not.

He said that he's so glad that we are together on things even if we are the black sheep in most of our circles. :)

Jaymee is staying another night, and we love it. She and Zeek are having the best time together that they've ever had. They are getting along really well. being GOOD to one another. And having lots of fun time on their own.

I strung the last of the white Christmas lights outside this afternoon. We plugged them all in and started a bond fire. We roasted mini-cheese-hotdogs (fabulous), and texas garlic toast on our sticks (I melted the metal pie pans). Then we had smores. I made my first smore using Ghiradelli chocolate squares. YUM! And I had an idea to stick little shards of pepermint sticks into the marshmallow for a fun wintery smore. :)

The kids played in the yard under the Christmas lights. They even jumped and played in our gigantic leaf pile. It was SO fun. Yuki loved it.

Once inside, Jay took a shower, Zeek took a bath, while I cleaned up the house a little and caught up with Pam on the phone.

Now I am going to read the kids to sleep and get the mail. There should be a One Tree Hill in there for my enjoyment (Greg is out with Levi and his brother). There might even be a pack of shutterfly photos of Zeek and our family that I can't wait to send out in the mail! :)

Oh happy day.

Shining Stars it is

We went to the center. We liked what we saw and heard. We especially love the four year old area/program/teachers. We found what works best for us within our options. And we are happy about the decision to move forward in enrolling Zeek in the after 4-K preschool program, Tuesdays and Wednesdays, 1:30-4p.

Zeek is going to have SO much fun. He's security and independence makes me feel so much more confident about this than I thought I could. The majority of the kinds of things that I chose not to ever put my child in day care because of (large groups of kids with numbered teachers, lack of compassion and burn out behaviors from teachers, exposure to secular kids and their unfavorable choices) are all things that I know my boy is more than capable of handling. And handling well.

We enroll him on Monday and he starts on Tuesday. THIS week. I'm so excited for him. :)