Right Now

I'd so love to be an organized fantastic Mom and blogger, like I used to be.
Unfortunately, I just don't have whatever I used to have that made it possible.

Looking back, there were such sweet photos and story tellings. Little things were so big and special to me. I had enthusiasm and excitement about everything we did. I planned and implemented with excellence, documented it pricelessly, and pulled it all off without a hitch.

The cookie making was precious and photo-worthy. The art creations and music were beautiful. Additional enriching activities fell into place like I had a clue what I was doing. Everything seems to have had a special little sparkle and shine.
It all happened so naturally.

I miss that.

Now, it's a good day if we complete half our list and I actually get you to bed on time.

I'm going to try, again, somehow to see things the way I used to. It's all right here, I know it. I've just allowed myself to dull down so much. As a result, the luster is just fading further and further. I really want back the perspective I had during those rich years.

It's lame that I have to go into my own archives to find inspiration from my old self. :(

We've been up to so much. Most of it is less fun and more necessity than I love.

I feel like the time I make/find for our horse is too few and far between, and not falling into place. It's just happening because it needs to happen. I'd love to see her more.

I've had A LOT of photography bookings in the past six weeks. A huge blessing in many ways.
I'm making my way through the editing and shipping fine, but it's time consuming in these quantities.
Yesterday, a past client got upset with me and canceled our session in a few weeks, and I was actually relieved. :(

You're plugging away through school, doing SO well. But the fun things, the making play dough, and teepees, and digging stuff up outside doesn't usually happen. By the time we are finished with your 4.5 hours of learning, text work, writing, reading, typing, etc... I have too many other things to accomplish to get into the "fun" things with you. :(

We've been spending a lot of time with friends. Both in playdate settings and individually.
I have been doing more Moms' nights out, and we've been making a point of having your friends over a couple of times a week. It usually looks like Zach on Saturday, Jaymee on Sunday.

Jay and Zach are definitely your best friends. You have other friends you love to be with and play famously with. But you could LIVE with Jay and Zach. They come in the morning and leave, begging to stay, in the late afternoon.

All this time with people has been very good for you. And me. Balancing.

We've been diving deep into the Bible. Me myself, and also with you separately. You have been learning to study the Word. You're learning the Armor like never before. Kind of getting into light warfare stuff.

You are seeing a counselor. You have been for about five weeks. It's about things I've never written here because it's really your own business, and this is a somewhat public place. But you are amazing. SO strong and intelligent. Dr. Charles quite often refers to you as "brilliant".

You blow me away. I would love to compile some writings of the things you have brought to the table to ask, share, sift through, and teach us. I think when you are an adult you will look back and be amazed at how young you were when you started being a philosopher, scientist, and theologian.
We all stand back and watch with awe.

It is hard for you, though. There is so much you don't understand, yet. Your experience level at seven is limited and it makes it difficult for you to put things into perspective. This ultimately results in you going places "no man would dare to go" in your mind.

But seriously, honey, you handle it so well. You think your failing. You think there's something wrong with you, and you're different and weird. It breaks my heart that you can't see what we can see. All of us. Your Mom, Dad, your counselor, our friends and family. You are really special. And these beginning struggles are making you SO strong, wise, and equipped. You're in some tough training, but it will all be worth it in the long run.

Tonight we spent the afternoon and evening at Miss Nina's with her family and our friends. Moms, Dads and kids gathered at their house for Jordan's 4th Birthday Party. It was so much fun. You loved it.

Your card and gift for Jordan made Nina and I cry. You asked me if you could give him one of your toys. Not just any toy. A toy that was your favorite for a long time. A BIG toy. Jordan LOVES it and plays with it the entire time he is at our house. I was shocked that you wanted him to have it. It was SO selfless, thoughtful, loving, and sacrificial of you. You were SO excited to see him receive it. It was precious.

Tomorrow, your Dad has the day off. We are going to do school in the morning, and I would like to take you trail riding with Gwin. I want to invest myself in our day. Not just go through the motions of it, but really BE THERE. I'm going to pray and try harder.

I'm not burned out or overwhelmed. I'm just tight busy, and need to draw back a little rather than putting my nose to the grind stone and cutting it off! :)

We'll see.

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