Tonight, you threw a toy at the dog, again. I told you to give me the toy, that it was now mine. When you handed the toy to me I walked to the kitchen and put it in the garbage. You cried. For real. (You don't cry very much, and it was a junk toy that would have ended up in the garbage soon anyway)
I watched you for a while as you genuinely cried tears down your face, asking me to give you your toy back. I felt hope that this might actually matter enough to teach you a lesson for once.
A few minutes later I went upstairs with you (still crying) to get your room ready for you to sleep while you brushed your teeth. Once in bed I was a little concerned because you were still crying, real tears. I asked you if you were upset because you threw your toy at the dog. You said "yes" and cried harder.
So, I walked you through asking God for forgiveness, retouching on why we are forgiven and that it is a sure thing when we come to God sorry for our mistakes. (this is not a new topic for you)
But taking this action did not have the effect I expected. You were still very very sad and began to squeeze your chest with your fists (you tend to want to hurt yourself when you are mad).
I decided to teach you to redirect your need to let out this anger-energy of yours. I was telling you that you should punch your pillow instead of taking it out on yourself, and that's when I thought of something...
I asked you if you had forgiven yourself for throwing the toy at the dog. You said,
"no. i don't forgive myself."
I asked you why not and you said,
"i never forgive myself."
I asked you why and you said,
"because i don't like myself."
You went on to explain to me that you (think you) are bad. That you are not important or valuable.
And this should have been shocking for me to hear you say. It might have been if I didn't live with your Dad, who also doesn't like himself, and never forgives himself for anything. ever.
And I don't know if it's genetic, spiritual, learned, or what...but mark my words, it will not happen to you, my son. It. will. not.
We did some affirming Truth spoken out loud stuff. You repeated after me that you are good, you are special, you are worthy, you are a child of God, He created you and loves you very much, etc...
it was very hard for you to do, and every time you spoke the Truth about yourself, you cried and squeezed a little harder.
I asked you who told you that you are bad. You told me that you tell yourself that.
I told you that is not true, and when you say that in your head, heart, or out loud, you are speaking against yourself and the Truth. I reminded you that the devil wants you to believe lies so that you won't feel safe with God. I asked you to be very careful about what you believe. I told you that the Bible and the Spirit are full of lessons of Truth about who you are.
And tomorrow I will show you. We will start working on this; praying and speaking Truth about who you are. I will find everything the Bible says about you. I will read those Truths to you everyday. We will pick a few simple scriptures for you to remember. We will not let the enemy have this.
I'm so sorry that you don't like yourself. It's a knife in my heart that I can't describe to you. But I get it. And I know that your Heavenly Father will heal you and teach you through it.
Thank You God for showing me this. Please, have Your Way here.